Winter, Compost, and Writing

Writing practice, March 6, 2013

“Today it smelled like recess.

Like the first hope of spring, when the layers of snow peeled back to reveal autumn's debris, the ruined plastic rakes with splintered handles, the tipped buckets half-full of leaves, the inevitable beloved stuffed animal, lost and flattened and mouldering. Like walking to school in sneakers instead if soured boots, mittens left in our pockets, giddy from the lack of weight on our small bodies.

Today it smelled like recess. Like green grass poking through the webbing of last year's leaves and clippings, like tulips peeking from muddy earth, like hackey sack and too-early soccer games and mud-spattered jeans. It smelled like frosty air blowing down from snow covered mountains, the promise that winter was not over, not yet.

But for a day, we ran along the blacktop and smelled the air and kicked at snowmen melted like the wicked witch, stick arms splayed up to the heavens. And if we squinted our eyes, we could almost imagine green things on the trees, flowers to pick, kickball games, and the hope of the long days of summer far in the distance.

Today, it smelled like that. Like hope and renewal, like green, fresh things pushing up from the old compost of yesteryear, like the buried things uncovered…”

 

All writing falls eventually into a winter; a silent time of reflection and deep white drifts of nothingness covering our minds. It is a time to relax, to contemplate, to compost.

In the phenomenal book Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg describes writing practice as composting our lives, churning memory and senses and thoughts over and over until they become the fertil soil of imagination. And from there, we find the richness in ourselves we seek. And then, we write with that richness of being.

I'm a believer in composting, in following the seasons of ourselves and our writing.

We do not write outside the existence of our lives. We write in the rhythm of living; seeking to dive in and transform the desperate handful of moments we have in the world into something outside of us, something that touches others in the small ways, comforting ways that make the world a richer place to live in.

We need to write—we need to write from deep within, to process and turn through the decayed selves we once were, the memories and smells and emotions and deeper truths to be found within, we need to spring, ever hopeful and green from the remnants of ourselves.

And to use what we have learned, to be who we are, and tell the stories that naturally grow from that fertile ground of our own hearts, and to own those stories without judgement, without reservation or fear or censorship.

Because our stories are the natural consequence of our lives, of our obsessions and pasts and hair color and names and hobbies and sorrows and scars and joys. They are part of us, raw and real and alive. It is important to accept our selves, to churn through our minds in search for what matters, what is ready to be said.

When the silence of winter comes over us, it is time to listen. It is time to churn through our words and memory, to fall deep into truth with ourselves.

And then write what springs green and new from our hearts, as soon as the frost is gone.

Photo credit: irowboat

 

Leaning into Fear

I will have the promised post on getting and pushing past being stuck soon. But today, I want to talk about something else.

Leaning into the fear.

This year, I have unearthed more about myself than I knew was there to discover. As I have expressed before, writing this hard and fast doesn't leave any room for me to hide from myself. The more I write, even when my stories are superficial, who I am shows up in the characters, the plots, the obstacles. It's like navigating a mine field made of all the lies I've told myself about who I am.

Except in this mine field, the one made of myself and my hidden pieces, the more things I blow up, the better.

To write well, to write myself real, to get past the things that stop me from writing, to become the person I want to be, I have to step on as many mines as I can. I have to lean into the fear, to walk where I dare not, and to find the places I do not want to go.

I keep thinking: I didn't read this in my books about writing. Am I insane? Am I the only one? Natalie Goldberg touches on the idea a little in her ideas of writing practice. She warned me a little. But it is easy to disregard her meditative writing practice in the face of so many others, who only discuss how to plot and create story and get published and above all avoid passive voice.

It's easy to feel betrayed, because they never warn you about this when you say you want to write fiction. They never tell you that you may meet yourself, and that it probably will be less than pretty. They don't tell you how to stick with it and move through the terror of discovery.

Yet, every month, I face the same thing. I find the place my story is headed and I feel that sick, cold terror. My writing slows down, I feel lost, abandoned, deserted. I don't want to blog, in fact, I don't want to exist. I'm too messed up to write, let alone to live — or so the frightened parts of me believe. I cry a lot, I spend too much of irowboat's time making him listen to my artistic angst before he tells me to shut up and write.

And every month, I find a way to push through. I give in and lean toward the places I most fear and find that it wasn't as frightening inside the terrible secrets as it was standing on the precipice. The words come, I forget to care if they suck or not, I just want to be done.

Each month, it is the same. Each month I know for certain that I cannot go on, that I am too frightened, too insecure. As soon as I realize that my job is to blow myself up over and over on the parts of me I have burried, I can move on.

It can even be fun, once the screaming stops.

And yet, I still feel unprepared for just how difficult it is. I have to re-learn every time that fear is my friend. The places I am frightened of writing into are the very places that can set me free. If I will only go there.

This month, it has been very, very hard to go there.

So I am writing this as a reminder to myself: lean into the fear. Lean in and find that one thing I don't want to know, the one thing I just can't handle. Write it; write it tired and fast and frightened. Cry, freak out, have a drink, laugh, do whatever it takes to hold on and keep with it. Whatever it takes to keep writing.

Because nothing, no amount of fear or truth or discomfort or sleepless nights, nothing is worse than not writing.

 

Inspiration #22

Every Sunday, I choose a passage of wisdom from someone who knows better and much more than I do about writing, life, the universe and/or everything.

Share and enjoy!

“But how in our busy lives do we get any writing done in the first place? Often, at the moment a student begins to say, ‘But I have a full-time, demanding job, a family’—I cut her off: ‘What’s the word?’

She makes a little perplexed face. I spell it out: ‘S-T-R-U-C-T-U-R-E—we’ve been talking about it all week. Structure your time.’

Open those date books that Americans are so fond of and schedule in writing time, and be realistic. If you have a busy week, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to write every day because when you don’t—and I promise you, there will be days you won’t—you’ll hate yourself. Beware of sweeping commitments: they usually have the opposite effect. Rather than writing every day, you’ll write no days. Instead, be pragmatic: look at your calendar. If next week you can fit in only half an hour for writing on Tuesday from ten to ten-thirty, in the morning, good. Mark it down. Do you have another window of time? For how long? Let’s push it further—where will you write? At the Blue Moon Café? OK, you’ve made a date, and like any other—with the dentist, the accountant, the hairdresser—you have to keep it. You’re committed, it’s in your appointment book.

Do you see how important it is to be precise? Leave no space for indecision, set everything in advance. All you have to do is show up, open your notebook and push the pen.

~from Thunder and Lightning, by Natalie Goldberg

Inspiration #19

Every Sunday, I choose a passage of wisdom from someone who knows better and much more than I do about writing, life, the universe and/or everything.

Share and enjoy!

“I was at a wedding in Taos, New Mexico, talking with a person I knew ten years ago at the Lama Foundation. I remembered that he had tilled and planted a whole bean crop by hand that summer. He is a builder now and says he knows if he did the dead center of what he’s supposed to be doing, it would be writing, “but building’s easier.” I told him about this book and how the day before I’d had the worst resistance to writing I ever had. “I wanted t scream and burn my typewriter. I never wanted to write again.”
“Yeah, but what else is there to do?” he asked, looking at me straight in the eye.
“Nothing.”—And I knew it was true.
When you accept writing as what you are supposed to do, after you’ve tried everything else—marriage, hippiedom, traveling, living in Minnesota or New York, teaching, spiritual practices—there’s finally no place else to go. So no matter how big the resistance, there is one day, there is the next day, and the writing work ahead. You can’t depend on it’s going smoothly day after day. It won’t be that way. You might have one day that is superb, productive, and the next time you write, you are ready to sign up on a ship headed for Saudi Arabia. There are no guarantees. You MIT think you have finally created a rhythm with three days running, and the next day the needle scratches the record and you squeak through it, teeth on edge.”
~from Writing Down the Bones, by Natalie Goldberg

 

Inspiration #11

Every Sunday, I choose a passage of wisdom from someone who knows better and much more than I do about writing, life, the universe and/or everything.

Share and enjoy!

From Wild Mind by Natalie Goldberg

 

Inspiration #5

Every Sunday, I choose a passage of wisdom from someone who knows better and much more than I do about writing, life, the universe and/or everything.

Share and enjoy!

Basically, if you want to become a good writer, you need to do three things. Read a lot, listen well and deeply, and write a lot. And don’t think too much. Just enter the heat of words and sounds and colored sensations and keep your pen moving across the page.

If you read good books, when you write, good books will come out of you. Maybe it’s not quite that easy, but if you want to learn something, go to the source. Basho, the great seventeenth-century Haiku master, said, “If you want to know about a tree, go to the tree.” If you want to know poetry, read it, listen to it. Let those patterns and forms be imprinted in you. Don’t step away from poetry to analyze a poem with your logical mind. Enter poetry with your whole body. Dogen, a great Zen master, said, “If you walk in the mist, you get wet.” So just listen, read, and write. Little by little, you will come closer to what you need to say and express it through your voice.

- Natalie Goldberg, from Writing Down the Bones

Inspiration #2

I did this last Sunday, too, and I think I’ll make it a permanent feature.

Don’t worry about talent or capability: that will grow as you practice… So just practice writing, and when you learn to trust your voice, direct it. If you want to write a novel, write a novel. If it’s essays you want or short stories, write them. In the process of writing them, you will learn how. You can have the confidence that you will gradually acquire the technique and craft you need.

-Natalie Goldberg from Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within (Shambhala Library)

See? Stop worrying and just write.

Inspiration #1

Day 21: 40,035 of 50,000

Instead of disturbing you with the fatigued working of my brain, a moment of inspiration for this winter night.

Let go of everything when you write, and try at a simple beginning with simple words to express what you have inside. It won’t begin smoothly. Allow yourself to be awkward. You are stripping yourself. You are exposing your life, not how your ego would like to see you represented, but as you are as a human being. And it is because of this that I believe writing is religious. It splits you open and softens your heart to the homely world.

-Natalie Goldberg from Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within (Shambhala Library)

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